Adult Jokes Thanks You and Please Come Again
And so, you desire to tell a sex joke? They tin can be funny as all hell, depending on your delivery, but before we go ahead and share some of our favorite ones, let'due south break down some of the rules of telling dingy sex jokes.
Get-go and foremost, know your audience. Don't tell a racy joke to your coworkers or employees. These jokes tin easily be misconstrued, and you don't desire to make anyone experience uncomfortable. (A dirty joke may too land you in HR, and we want to avoid that.) You as well might non desire to whip out a dirty joke in forepart of your parents, grandparents, or in-laws—but hey, we don't know what your relationship is like your fam, so you do you.
Second, don't tell any sexist jokes. Outside of being offensive, they're merely not funny. "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" gags are played out. This isn't a 1994 Comedy Primal stand up-up. This is 2021. If you lot're telling the same tired-donkey jokes, yous're non going to be funny.
Lastly, you lot can dabble in Blue comedy (which is sexually explicit humor that'south actually fucking crass and vulgar), simply do then sparingly. There are quickly-diminishing returns with whatever stupor-value style of one-act.
All right. With that out of the mode, here are 116 dirty sex jokes that are also pretty funny. (God bless Reddit and the internet; we couldn't have done this without you.) Some are classics that are decades old, a few are newer celebrity comedian jokes you may recognize, and others are undoubtedly cringey, merely that'south all part of the fun. (And when you lot're done laughing out these, cheque out our list of the funniest sex activity memes.)
1) A hubby and wife are having issues in the sleeping accommodation. The wife can't orgasm because it'due south too damn hot.
They meet a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of absurd air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make honey.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After xx minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is at present having sexual practice with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
After 2 minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the virtually intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."
2) A family is at the zoo and they become to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what'south that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the dorsum," the girl says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nix."
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging downwardly under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was cypher?"
"Oh, she's merely spoiled."
3) A husband says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you lot orgasm?" She replies, "I don't like calling y'all when you're at piece of work."
four) Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. 1 says to the other, we should accept off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't come across anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Squeamish tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
5) My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
half dozen) A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church building. The pastor told them, "Nosotros have special requirements for new parishioners. You lot must abstain from having sexual activity for ii weeks." The couple agreed and came dorsum at the finish of ii weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were y'all able to go through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid nosotros were non able to go without sex activity for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a tin can of corn on the meridian shelf and dropped information technology. When she bent over to selection information technology upwards, I was overcome with animalism and took advantage of her correct there." "You empathize, of class, that this ways you volition not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That'southward okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
vii) A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some nutrient. He looks up at the menu higher up the bar. It says Hot Canis familiaris $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are y'all the i who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well launder your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
8) My girlfriend thought I'd be a pushover in bed, and wouldn't you know it, she had me pegged from the start.
9) The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow's the one to prevent information technology.
x) A mailman is making his road. On his last twenty-four hour period earlier retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn't information technology? Come with me; I accept a surprise for you."
She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you lot ma'am, this was wonderful, but I really should end my route."
She stops him and informs him there'due south more, so leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he'south ever had—every position he tin think of until he'south about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank yous ma'am, this was astonishing, but I really should end my route."
She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $v nib, and hands information technology to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma'am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was heed-blowing, only what is up with the five dollars?"
The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last nighttime when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman'due south last day, retrieve we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck 'em. Give him 5 bucks.' Just breakfast was my idea!"
xi) A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sexual practice.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy."
And then they walk on and become home.
A few days later, the little male child walks in on his parents having sexual practice. The trivial male child says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Can you turn mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy."
12) A couple gets married, and on their wedding night, the wife asks what a penis is. The husband, surprised, pulls his out. She says, "Oh, it's like a dick just smaller."
13) Why are women so bad at carpentry?
Holds hand in the air with fingers almost four inches apart.
Because men continue telling them this is eight inches.
14) "You should merely have sex with a famous person if you really, actually genuinely want to tell people virtually it afterward." —Sara Pascoe
15) "My mom told me the all-time fourth dimension to ask my dad for annihilation was during sex. Not the best advice I'd e'er been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I accept a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice almost it. I got the bike." –Jimmy Carr
16) "A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is incorrect in their eyes. I said, 'You're correct, it's supposed to exist up the bum!'"—Gary Delaney
17) "I lost my virginity nether a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, simply I was like Scotland at the World Loving cup–just happy to be there."—Russell Howard
18) Life is similar a penis... Often hard for no reason!
19) A petty girl and boy are fighting near the differences between the sexes, arguing which one is meliorate. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Hither'south something I have that you'll never take!" The fiddling girl is pretty upset by this and runs domicile crying. A while subsequently, she comes running back with a smile on her face up. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
20) A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where practise babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy autumn in love and become married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled then the mother continues, "That ways the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to embrace. "Oh, I see, just the other night when I came into your room you had daddy'southward penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
21) "A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom'south bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I demand a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One mean solar day, he came abode from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his wearing apparel, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
22) 1 day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the 2nd male child took off running. The first male child couldn't empathise why he ran away, then he took off subsequently his friend. Finally, he defenseless up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I always saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
23) What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want y'all inside me."
24) Who'southward the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The ane who tin can conduct a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
25) Why did the sperm cross the route? Because I put on the wrong sock this forenoon.
26) How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
27) My neighbor has been mad at his married woman for sunbathing nude. I, personally, am on the fence.
28) Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his basics dry.
29) "Dear NASA: Your mom idea I was big enough." Signed, Pluto
30) How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By condign a ventriloquist.
31) A family'southward driving backside a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps confronting the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, love. That was only an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'thousand surprised it could become off the ground with a cock like that!"
32) A swain goes to see his dr. and the dr. tells him, "You demand to cease masturbating?" "Why?" the man asks. "Because I'g trying to examine you."
33) If sex with three people is chosen a threesome and sex with four people is chosen a foursome, I guess at present it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
34) Without women sexual practice would be a hurting in the ass.
35) If I was addicted to masturbation, and and then became addicted to sexual practice, would it exist safe to say that my addiction got out of paw?
36) A homo walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Practise you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her figurer and says, "I don't know if information technology's in yet." The human being replies, "Yep, that's the one!"
37) I thought of having a threesome, only then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint 2 people at one fourth dimension, I could take dinner with my parents.
38) What's the difference between oral sex activity and anal sexual practice? Oral sex will make your whole mean solar day... Anal sex volition brand your hole weak.
39) Having sex in an lift is wrong on then many levels.
forty) "Son, I institute a condom in your room."
"Gee, cheers, Grandpa!"
"Why are y'all calling me Grandfather?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
41) Mickey Mouse is in the centre of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge most the separation. "I'chiliad sorry Mickey, merely I can't legally separate y'all ii on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," the judge said. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she'southward fucking Goofy!"
42) Why couldn't the cadger get a girlfriend? Considering he had a reptile dysfunction!
43) A guy walks into a bar, and some other guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did y'all?" The other guy says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
44) A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says, "Single?" The guy replies, "No—happily married, only curious."
45) It is a sin to put information technology in, only information technology'southward a shame to pull it out.
46) A instructor is teaching a course and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If at that place are three ducks sitting on a argue, and yous shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The instructor says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see iii women walking out of an ice cream parlor. 1 is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her water ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the i with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking."
47) They say that during sex activity yous burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
48) A homo in a hotel lobby turns to become to the front desk-bound, only he accidentally runs into a woman abreast him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard every bit your elbow, I'grand in room 436."
49) "Give it to me! Give information technology to me!" she yelled, "I'm then wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
fifty) Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Granddad found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked nearly using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you lot should accept ane. They're very stiff and very expensive." "How much?" asked Granddad. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd even so like to endeavor one, and before we leave in the forenoon, I'll put the coin under the pillow. " Afterward the next forenoon, the grandson establish $110 nether his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you lot each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
51) Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving retentiveness of all the faces that accept been buried there.
52) Two men visit a prostitute. The first human being goes into the sleeping room. He comes out ten minutes afterwards and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The 2d man goes in. He comes out ten minutes subsequently and says, "Y'all know what? Your wife IS better."
53) There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to have a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring information technology back. The elderly human being came dorsum the next twenty-four hour period; the specimen loving cup was empty and the lid was on information technology. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right manus... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right mitt... nothing. Her left mitt... nothing. Her mouth... goose egg. Then my wife's friend tried. Correct manus, left paw, oral fissure... even so null. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you lot say your married woman'south friend also?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
54) A homo is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist downwardly. "Gramps, what are you doing?" the human exclaims. The former man looks off in the distance and does not respond his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with null on below the waist?" he asks once again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, concluding week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff cervix. This was your Grandma'due south idea!"
55) 4 nuns are in line to become into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has always sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy h2o on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the aforementioned matter and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy h2o on her hands and lets her enter. Then the 4th nun skips the 3rd nun in line and God asks why she did that. The fourth nun replies, "Well, I demand to gargle it earlier she sits in it."
56) A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his starting time-yr medical students. Realizing that this was non the most riveting bailiwick, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young adult female in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while y'all're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
57) Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police force put out an alarm to exist on the sentry for the two hardened criminals.
58) Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex activity life?"
"Oh, goose egg special. I'm having Social Security sex activity."
"Social Security sexual activity?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, just non enough to live on."
59) Did you hear near the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
lx) A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon every bit he brings the bird to the subcontract, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking near all the eggs the hens would hatch. At tiffin, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too, which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its caput. The farmer says, "You lot horny bounder, you deserve this." The rooster opens i eye, points up, and whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them country!"
61) A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The married woman thinks near it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."
62) A woman asked her friend, "Why is your married man and so punctual when returning home from work?" The friend replied, "I made a uncomplicated rule: Sex will begin at vii pm abrupt, whether he is there or non."
63) Three boys were discussing their father's favorite foods. The showtime kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second male child said his father loves KFC. The 3rd male child said his father loves to eat light. The other 2 boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to plow off the light and so he can eat it."
64) If you were built-in in September, information technology'due south pretty safe to presume that your parents started their new twelvemonth with a blindside.
65) One solar day petty Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Concluding dark I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming also. I didn't want to be left behind!"
66) Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, cute, blonde hair, and Sean had a goatee."
67) A lady comes dwelling from her doc'due south appointment smiling from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you and so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-5-year-old woman, I take the breasts of an 18-year-sometime." "Oh yep?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-yr-quondam ass?" She said, "Your name never came upward in the conversation."
68) A hubby exclaims to his married woman 1 day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that nighttime in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's incorrect?" he asks. She answers, "Do yous actually think I'1000 going to fire upwardly this big-donkey grill for one little weenie?"
69) A married man was having an affair with his secretary. I twenty-four hour period, their passions overcame them in the office, and they took off for her firm. Exhausted from the afternoon'southward activities, they fell asleep and awoke at effectually viii p.m. Every bit the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes exterior and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove habitation. "Where have you been?" demanded his married woman when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the human being, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake upwards until eight o'clock." The wife glanced downwardly at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
70) Y'all know you're getting erstwhile when your wife says, "Love, let'due south run upstairs and make love," and y'all answer, "I can't do both."
71) A husband asks his wife, "Volition you ally after I dice?" The wife responds, "No, I will alive with my sister." The married woman asks him back, "Will y'all marry later I die?" The hubby responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
72) I used to date an English teacher, but they dumped me for improper apply of the colon.
73) I recall sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
74) Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
75) I wonder what my parents did to fight colorlessness before the cyberspace. I asked my 19 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.
76) A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were near to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, merely I'm actually a hooker, and I charge xx dollars for sexual practice." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the human only sat in the commuter'southward seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'one thousand actually a Uber driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."
77) What does a horny frog say? Rub it.
78) What exercise y'all call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
79) What do you telephone call a person who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
eighty) Why are pubic hairs so curly? So they don't poke out your eyes.
81) What'southward 72? 69 with iii people watching.
82) What exercise yous say when balls are slapping against your mentum? Nothing! You've already got a mouthful!
83) What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle; he's a real dick!
84) When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
85) Why was the snowman and so horny? Because he saw a plow truck.
86) A penis is the lightest thing in the world. Fifty-fifty a thought can heighten information technology.
87) A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument almost who enjoyed sex activity more than. The human said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why practise you think nosotros're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove annihilation," the woman countered. "Think nigh this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle information technology around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
88) An sometime human being is at his bedside praying when his wife says, "What are you doing?" "I'm praying for guidance," replies the man. "But pray for stiffness," says the married woman, "and I'll guide the fucker."
89) What the difference between a garbanzo edible bean and a chickpea? I've never let a garbanzo bean on my chest.
90) The owner asks the clerk, "What'due south with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in hither this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the coughing syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner replies, "You lot idiot! You can't care for a coughing with laxatives!" "Oh aye?" the clerk says, "Look at him. He'due south agape to cough!"
91) How did Burger King become Dairy Queen meaning? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
92) What do a penis and Rubik's cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
93) I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a daughter who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: Information technology was the craven.
94) What do yous call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef stroganoff.
95) What's the divergence between a dick and a bonus bank check? Someone is e'er down to accident your bonus.
96) I'k non sure how I experience about masturbation, but on the one hand, information technology feels pretty groovy!
97) How did I quit smoking, y'all inquire? I decided I'd but smoke afterwards sex.
98) I promise death is a woman. That way, it'll never come for me.
99) How is sex activity like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don't fifty-fifty need a partner.
100) I told my mom that I take an Oedipus circuitous. She asked if I was serious, and I said, "Nah, I'm merely fucking with yous."
101) Why isn't at that place a meaning Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
102) What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Prevarication to me! Lie to me!"
103) What does ane saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will call back we're nuts."
104) What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms accept evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
105) What practice y'all call a smiling Roman soldier with a slice of hair stuck betwixt his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
106) What practice you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
107) Why does information technology take 100 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
108) What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
109) What is the departure between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear and one's a bully twelvemonth.
110) What's the departure betwixt Covid and your legs? I don't desire Covid to spread.
111) What'southward the difference betwixt you lot and an egg? An egg gets laid.
112) How did the constabulary catch the naked human being breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
113) What do you call ii jalepeños getting it on? Fucking hot.
114) A genealogist looks upwardly the family tree, a gynecologist looks upwardly the family unit bush.
115) What does a robot exercise after a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.
116) Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
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Source: https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a35995236/sex-dirty-jokes/
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